I'd Like to Spank the Academy...

Light a candle while I cry a river for Emma Thompson's missing Oscar nod, Rose.

And as you fetch the matches, tell me: were the folk over at the Academy playing Pin The Nomination On The Nobody around at Dina Lohan's this week, or am I just jaded?

Because, sure – maybe Saving Mr Banks is like the delightful fluff you'd expect to find in the naval of Hollywood. And perhaps we were never meant to hear an orchestra play its cheery score at the Dolby Theatre.

But if Anne Hathaway can get a pat on the back for sporting snot in Les Misérables, why can't Disney be applauded for convincing Colin Farrell to stay sober long enough to play a drunken father to the obscure author of Mary Poppins?

And Nebraska. Not only does the state sound more interesting than the film, since when did it become ok to nominate a member of the Dern family for a decent award? I thought the line was drawn after Laura's limp-ridden uphill run to Sam Neill in Jurassic Park.

Which reminds me: did you ever get an answer out of Spielberg on why he didn't use CGI to replace her role in the film, too? Budget constraints, most likely. 

It also seems that when the Academy likes something, they run with it. And this year it's all about US locations in movie titles ç and The Wolf of Wall Street and Dallas Buyers Club reaping the rewards.

Which leads me to DiCaprio, McConaughey, the Mötley Crüe who make up the Best Actor nominees, along with one hell of a question: where the heck is Hanks?!

Did his inaccurate, non-racist, anti-anti-semitic portrayal of Walt Disney not warrant a win? And did refusing to call the voice coach from Anaconda wind up biting him on his Captain Phillips? Because I told him to get the number from Jon Voight when asking for tips on how best to convey raw emotion through facial expressions. But it's always in one ear, out the other with Tom.

Anyway, who cares. We all know Chiwetel Ejiofor will make Oscar his slave come March, so let's shift our focus to the scorecard of Ms Adams and see how she's tracking:

• You'd prefer Frozen (my pick for Best Animated Feature) over more Amy 
• I'm still medicated after lasting the first 23 minutes of Leap Year
• The world is longing for Teri Hatcher after her lousy Lois Lane in Man of Steel

In summary, Katherine Heigl has a better chance of cleaning up for The Big Wedding.

So does that mean it'll be Meryl – again? And if she wins for the fourth time, will Ellen host the inaugural Streeper Pole Awards in 12 months time? 

Good – it'll be yet another telecast for us to type about.

But let's face it: we'd all kill to hear Cate's name called out, right? Because she plays broken better than Britney. And while Sandra's turn at being an astronaut was satisfyingly, Sharon Stone's huffed and puffed on screen for years – and where is her happy ending? Yeah, exactly.

Now, tell me - why I should like Jonah Hill and any old award to do with Short Film.