Rules of Retirement

Here's a question you've never been asked, Rose. 

And why? Well, you're the Hollywood tape holding the film and music industries together. You, Renny Harlin and Rebecca Black - even if only on Fridays.

But here goes. Let's just say, and only for laughs (so, like the rest of us, block out Nicole and Will's Bewitched for a bit), that you walked away for the biz. What would you do?

I only ask because of this little known fact: Bridget Fonda is retired.

Yes, you heard right. The actress who won over millions in It Could Happen To You (Google it) two decades ago said "sayonara" to sound stages in 2002 – and she's never looked back.

Rosie, Nicolas and Bridget to reunite for It Really Happened To Us.

And where is she now? It seems no one knows. Not even Lori Petty.

How funny, too, that only days ago you pondered which face was missing from movie posters at cineplexes. And since we already established it wasn't The Never Ending Story's Barrett Oliver, could it not be Bridget?

TNES fans - speak to Barrett via Ouija board today!

(Think carefully before you respond with, “No, it's Shia LaBeouf”, too. Do you have any idea how many hours Jim Carrey and I spent getting him over the line? I even took notes to help make the similar talks we'll soon have Tim Allen easier.)

But back to our favourite Single White Female: not so Fonda? Maybe you're missing Rick Moranis? Or have these seven years since Sean Connery spilled how he's staying in Scotland been some of your saddest?

Because we've not had a second to shed a tear over Jessica Simpson's shocking announcement, so don't even try that one on me. (I'm still surprised her publicist says she made films, and not just my ears bleed with her albums.)

Wherever you land, Rose, can we both agree it's never nice knowing that someone has become disenchanted with the world that made them famous? News like that hurts more a Lana Del Ray performance on SNL – and often, it can be just as hard to forget.

Which is why Stan dreads the day he reads the following headlines:

“Tom Green – Gone But Not Forgotten. Or Forgiven For Freddy Got Fingered.”

“Lesbians Will Always Love You, Lucy Lawless.”

“Bye Bye, Bobcat Goldthwait... Whoever You Were.”

Decent talent: it never goes unnoticed. Ever.