Looking For The Right Apology

Looking for a good time, Rose? Looking for TV that laps up loads of gay guys doing the nasty? Looking for anything on HBO that's doesn't have Lena Dunham with her kit off and tatts out?

Well then, listen here. Because last night, I found myself Looking at Dallas Buyers Club – and since it was more magnificent than Milk, I today find myself feeling Rob Lowe about what I said the last time I blogged. 

Which is why, Matthew McConaughey, I'd now like to offer you my sincerest apology.

It's clear to me that you deserve your Best Actor nomination. It's also obvious, following my catty remarks, that I'm worthy of winding up on the same island off Los Angeles that's now inhabited by Hollywood's Most Unwanted. (Happy for me to say 'Hi' to Halle Berry, Rose?)

But if you please, perhaps ponder this alternate pass at punishing poor Stanley.

Instead of marooning Jonathan Taylor Thomas and I on a sandy beach with Nelly Furtado and her stash of unsold CDs (basic physics suggests we wouldn't all fit), how about I make amends with poor Matt by taking a lighter to a few of his less fabulous films?

My mate, Mike Myers, mentioned I could borrow the same one The Love Guru took to his career, so trust me – it wouldn't take long. It'd also be bloody effective, wouldn't you say?

I only put this option to you because, let's face it: the Academy's members do their research before casting a vote. And just where will each one fall should anyone find Fool's Gold? Or forget to forego Failure to Launch? 

Sadly, since Sahara wasn't all that sensational, he may be all but deserted come the start of March. And can you imagine if anyone rediscovered EDtv?! Mr McConaughey would be cleaning Jenna Elfman's pool faster than you can murmur, “Mischa Barton”.

To save time, I'm more than willing to do the same for Jared Leto. He was a revelation as Rayon, the transgender woman opposite Matt. But as Hephaistion in Alexander? Hell no!

Not even his simulated sex with Colin Farrell could save that film for me. And speaking of such things, no one's mentioned Looking to you by any chance, have they?