Can Someone Grammy A Phone, Please?

Ok, first order of business: we're soon-to-be business owners. 

That's right. How Macklemore sliced and diced during that performance at the Grammys won me over like I was Katy Perry and, he, John Mayer. So our application is in, and within a few weeks, we should have a MackleMartial Arts Studio of our very own.

It's a no brainer. Ordinary folk fight crime and for gay marriage, all with a few swift hand gestures. It really doesn't get any more simple - not even at the Hilton household. And since America will love it, just wait for the dollars to roll in like we're the Weinsteins. 

Plus, what's the worst case? We take only a little more than Keanu Reeve's Ronin 47? So be it. (It's funny - all of a sudden, Speed 2: Cruise Control looks like smooth sailing). And if we don't break even, I'll let Ke$ha eat my words.

The second order of business brings me to her Madgesty. 

My two cents? Madonna needs to worry less about GaGa (Lady GaGa has worrying about GaGa taken care of) and more about resurrecting her Grammy Glory Days of 2003.

Because did she honestly take to the stage with a cane, or was that Richard Attenborough reprising his famed role of John Hammond from Jurassic Park? 

"This makes Madonna a beautiful, yet deadly addition to Jurassic Park."

Look, forgetting there's just the one difference separating her and old Dick (he brought back the dinosaurs, she is one), I can't bare seeing her look so tired, miserable and lonely. 

So while you may still not see eye to eye, Rose, could you please step up and remind her how we already have this look covered in Hollywood? Because Maria Shriver is understandly furious.

Richard brought me back first, bitch.

Our third and final order of business: Taylor Swift.

How many bad boys does she need to bang and breakup with before she bags a few more Grammys? She didn't even get one gimmicky gramophone in 2014 - even though she clearly assumed the gong for Album of the Year was going back to Tennessee with her.

And hey, I say this not being a scientist and all (unlike the educated folk at the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences), but isn't there a lesson in this for all of us? 

Check this. More Grammys for the Swift one means more minutes on stage and less time available for her to attempt (I guess today's Britney would still call it) dancing in the front row. 

Because what we have now is a world finally seeing Red.