ReFUNdancy?

So, why have I been quieter than Paula Abdul’s publicist in recent times? Let’s run through a few options…

Was I in rehab reading tea leaves for Amanda Bynes? That’s a negative.

The biggest fan of tea leaves, bar none.

Was I that one and only person who paid for a ticket and sat through The Lone Ranger? No, kemo sabe, that wasn’t me either.

Did I take a redundancy from my job and – like Lance Bass – been up to very little for a while now? Yes, that’d be Stan. 

I’m the male Heather Mills – I took the money and hobbled as fast as I could.

Does that now make me a sellout, Rose? Should I pack up my Golden Globes and move into the Pinkett Smith House of Christianity? I’ll guess I’ll wait for His sign.

But redundancies are fun: Fact or fiction?

You get coin like a Kidman for doing not much in return: Fact.
With more spare time than a Culkin, I’ve been hitting the gym like Henry Cavill: Fiction.
The days go by as fast as The Hours: Fact.
I’m comfortable spending unearned money like I’m James Spears: Fiction.
My life is as exciting as a Joe Wright-directed motion picture: Fact.

It's true - Atonement was this bloody riveting.

Yes, Rose – I’m pretty boring these days. 

And as I watch from the couch the credits roll for Friends With Benefits on DVD, I realise that I may never again do anything truly meaningful.

I’m Alanis Morissette.