Nat On Her Face

While I type this, you’re trying to tempt me out with red wine.

Is this what Britney felt like when Paris and Nicole called her following Toxic but before Radar? I’ll have to cross-reference this sensation with her memoirs.

Luckily though, my will is strong. I’m like Thor, and you’re more of a Natalie – a mere human with an unhealthy rivalry with another ballerina. You’re also a bad influence, and this is why you’re my Rose.

But let me go backwards (all of the Spice Girls did and they’re still alive) and pause on Portman.

She was doing ok, am I right? The force was with her in the prequels (George Lucas coined this term, yeah?) and let’s not forget her Walmart baby moment from Anywhere But Here (it’s that other disc in your Citizen Kane double feature combo).

Then she lost her crap for an Oscar (more Charlize, less Halle please) before stealing your Hemsworth in Thor. But then what came of her? She vanished like a pair of Britney’s underwear.

I admit – there’ll be a Pixar film for her someone down the line, and an A-list actor deserves to wear tracksuit pants to work as much as the next man.

But I’m worried she’s peaked too early. I’m seriously concerned she’s contracted a classic case of the Culkins. And no Black Swan deserves to become The Good Son. Especially one so pretty.

Sadly, I predict her onscreen foe, Mila Kunis, didn’t meet her maker backstage at the Met. She became the star Portman used to be instead. And now I can only hope Nat doesn't go nuts. She’ll hold it together, won’t she Rose?

Google “Brad Renfro” for more information.